An Idiot's Guide to playing Chess
by Rose6
Summary: The gods are not happy with the way things are going for B&L, resulting in a little divine intervention


Title: An idiot's guide to playing chess  
  
Author: Rose; rosenfairy@hotmail.com  
  
Author's note: Ok here it is…. My challenge…. I went a little off the normal tangent here, but oh well I needed one last burst of insanity before I become old tomorrow and I have never been called normal. Ok so my elements were:  
  
Tortoise, Candle, Purple socks, Use of a legal drug, tarot cards  
  
Feedback: It's very good…. Ok that's from the wrong fandom but it is kinda fitting.  
  
Disclaimer: No animals were injured during the making of this fic…. Ok well a few tortoises' egos were slightly damaged, but I've conferenced with some of the experts in the field and they all agree that its probable the species will survive.  
  
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Earthlings have never really understood the omnipotent, the ME's of this world, and you never really will. Oooooh did I just destroy a ray of hope? Did you whining pathetic little earthlings actually hope that one day you would? That one-day the secrets of the world, of the powers that be would all be lain bare before you? Hmmm not gonna. I mean really the omnipotent barely even notice you exist; such is the beauty of being all-powerful. You don't exist to us…. You're bodies of electrical impulse, masses with simple thought patterns and pliant minds that serve to give us many hours of joy through your willingness to be played. You are pawns; hardly noticed by us as we run our universe…we have too much to do. There are too many of you for us to notice each and every one of you, to distinguish you all as individuals, you're a breathing, moving mass of fun who happen to think that you are in control of your lives. Well let me tell you this, from my place, from this seat of infinite power in which I rest my tired but powerful ass…..You're not, and never will be. Of course we do like to have a little fun…. Sometimes I'll fly my ass down there and play, just find one or two of you who really aren't behaving the way the world has it written that you will and I'll have a play and make it right. Not too often, that would be considered too invested…. Like your God, the big guy down there, he got way too invested. Anyway, back to the whole 'way you people stuff up destiny' idea…you really have no idea. The world is constructed, written and played out in such a way so everyone has a destiny, everyone has a path. You damn people are so busy trying to find the path, so busy trying to work out what your big thing is with all this TAROT CARDS, fortune telling, crystal balls, astrology, blah blah blah shit you use that you miss the path completely. Like these two, two normal people each very talented, big things in store for them…..And screwing it up so badly I couldn't help but play. I believe you know them, Bobby and Lindsay they are….note the way I said that Bobby and Lindsay… those names together, the way it was always meant to be.  
  
But not now, ok I know you're all familiar with it, he was with her, she pushed him to Helen, he dated Helen (let me jump in here and say 'stupid stupid man'), he (being stupid, and in part thanks to the working's of fate) stuffed up the whole Helen thing. Now as you guys saw it, on those little boxes of infinite wisdom you call the Tele, him and Linds stumbled around for a while filled with confusion and sexual tension then it all got solved at Christmas one year. Well let me break this gently…..it didn't. That was I stuffing with your TV's and putting a whole heap of people's shipper minds to rest, in real life she never turned her damn head. She fought fate, he kissed her cheek, they hugged said good bye and that's all. The poor people of DYD&F have for the last year been putting up with fighting, arguing, and the sort of sexual tension that would anyone else top themselves. To the point they are all almost hoping this years Christmas party will come to a grinding halt as the conference table suddenly finds itself the center of some much-awaited attention.  
  
Now believe me I have met these two, seen inside their heads (not pretty at all) and let me tell you this they are so damn confused, so screwed up it ain't gonna happen on its own. So here I go, once again off to fix one of the messes you stupid people have made…. Wow loving my job. Now bear with me this could take a while…that Bobby guy…. Well let me just say I've met TORTOISES smarter……… at least their damn shells are thinner than his head…. That boy neither listens nor learns easily, when we made him we were aiming for emotionally stable…. we ended up with emotionally thick. As for her, that woman is taking the high road to no where fast. She can't date Bobby and she has a good reason, screw the fact its written in fate, screw the fact its destiny, the real good reason here is…..Well she doesn't really have one good one… she does have a lot of stupid ones though that have simply formed a whirlpool in her head that when looked at with the viewpoint of an emotional idiot mistakenly appears valid and strong. Oh yeah have I got my work cut out for me.  
  
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Bobby was sitting mournfully staring out his office window at the object of his thoughts * desires, hello the word you're thinking of tortoise man is 'desires'* (oh and if its all too much for your little minds to grasp I'm letting you see the world through the mediocre vision of your fellow earthlings, so if ya see this *blah blah blah…..* That's just me interrupting and thinking the way they would be thinking if they actually thought. Anyway, so he was staring…..Cause that's gonna make it all better now isn't it). He would often spend entire afternoons like this *afternoons, mornings, hell if it wasn't against the law probably nights through a telescope aimed at her bedroom window, have I mentioned the man is sad yet. * Just watching her working away, staring at her and hoping beyond hope she would be doing the same. He didn't know why but he often felt that even though she hid it, even though in the lead up to last Christmas he had made his feelings and desires perfectly clear, * ok, is anyone else finding that line hilarious… this man obviously believes mud is the clearest solution on earth. * Even though he had told her time and time again in his own subtle way that he loved her and yet she had still blown him off maybe, just maybe she felt the same. She was so moral, so high and mighty he could often find himself believing that she was only not with him because she felt it was the high road, and then he'd watch her like he was today. Just sit and watch her, and he would see how calm she was, how focused, the way she never seemed to notice him and even look for him and in his heart he knew, she felt nothing. *Ok you remember how I said the whole watching through his eyes bit, the whole letting fate run its course thing…..Well stuff it, if this keeps up much longer, if I have to spend one more second inside the excuse for a hallmark card that is his head I'm gonna go batty…. Its time to fix this the old fashioned way…. Brainwashing….. I know, I know, you were all thinking sex…tried and failed*.  
  
Bobby looked up as his door opened, and Lucy showed in a young man and explained that the man needed to discuss a case with him before taking one last sweeping glance over the man's well-built figure and sashaying out. *Hehe, well I am all-powerful, if I can't let the people know I really am a god and call me that accordingly then I am sure as hell gonna claim the god title somehow*.  
  
Bobby surveyed the man before him quickly, young, handsome, obviously from a well to do background, his height *ok gotta jump in here, I was way taller, I can pick my own body, you really think I wasn't gonna be taller*. Despite the fact that he had not been scheduled for the case the guy looked a lot more decent than most of their recent clients and it wouldn't hurt to hear his story, besides he did look strangely familiar and Bobby needed the extra knowledge of this man to work out exactly where he knew him from. *Ok well that he won't get….the last time he saw me I kinda orchestrated that 'one last time thing' set the game in motion, I did. That was the original plan see, we could see fate taking an ass kicking as soon a Helen came onto the field of play, so we thought we'd put them together one last time, make them see how perfect they were, how in love they were. Subsequently the stupidity shown by both parties after that prompted me gain a large amount of respect for the tortoise intellect. Which may just stand to explain why for the duration of this fic the idiot at the keyboard who happens to think this is all just an ingenious little idea of hers…..Hehe that's right you sweetie, you just keep believing that…..oooh and if ya look out the window Harry Potter is going by in a flying car driven by house-elf in PURPLE SOCKS anyway she will now refer to them as 'tortoise man' and 'tortoise woman' I know this is slightly rude to tortoise kind, but I really don't give a damn.* Bobby indicated that the man should enter then, and raising from his seat went to greet him. *Ok from here we switch to first person, I hereby leave you in the capable hands of tortoise man*  
  
"Hi, Bobby Donnell" I greeted him *wow cause being in 'the office of Bobby Donnell' I never would of gotten that without his help. This is my biggest peeve with the man…..Stupid as, and yet still thinks he's the smartest man alive and treats others with almost disdain at times.*  
  
"Fredrick Omni" the strangely powerful man replied *Ok so I gave him a small hint, it's not like it would help him…it could only hit the thick parameters of his head and bounce off, anyway on with the story*  
  
"And what can I do for you Fredrick?" I asked, my voice wavering slightly as I spoke while desperately trying to work out where the hell I had seen this man before. Ignoring me completely he walked towards my desk and grabbed the lone frame upon it, a picture of the firm at last years Christmas party…*the year it all went to hell*. Smiling slightly at my rather outraged 'hey' at his rudeness, he turned the picture over and removed the one I had hidden behind it all those months ago. It was one of Lindsay, at the same party, a rather candid and beautiful shot of her laughing at one of the others comments; the other person had been excluded from the photo though. Holding the photo before me, I think he noticed the way I shrunk back into myself, after all he'd just discovered one of my deepest secrets, he smiled slightly and whispered powerfully,  
  
"Oh it's not what you can do for me Bobby…." This statement sent me reeling with confusion, hadn't he come here asking for my help, then as he began to shimmer and take an almost transparent look the confusion switched to fear and I found myself running for the door. As I did he replied evilly…"It's what I can do for you".  
  
With that comment the door to the office burst open and a rather confused Lindsay stood in the open doorway, a question already part way out her mouth before she had entered the room, she completely failed to notice Bobby screeching to halt and looking in fear over his shoulder.  
  
Not noticing any of this *remember the tortoise thing I mentioned* Lindsay continued her questioning,  
  
"Why is no one else here, not even Lucy…. And why did I find a hand written note on my desk begging me to come in here as soon as I arrived…. What's up?" The confusion in her voice was mounting as she realized suddenly how terrified I was of …..Well I could still see him, but she kept looking over my shoulder at the very spot he was in and seeing nothing. I was beginning to feel awfully stupid *bout time too* I mean how could someone be here if Lucy wasn't even here to have shown him in, I was beginning to lose my marbles *beginning?????????*. I mean why else would an almost transparent man be floating about a foot off the floor in the corner of my office* um, let me see…. Oh yeah, you screwed up fate so badly god sent reinforcements…when/if you reach heaven, immortality will not be kind, considering up there people watch you waiting for humorous stuff ups…. Your like a sitcom up there 'the show with the handsome stupid guy'.* Lindsay walked quietly into my office before saying anything else, she walked right up to him, but I kinda figured yelling 'watch out for the transparent guy above you' would come back and bite me in the ass later. Of course I should of, I really should of, because at that moment the floating man reached down and subtly, with a giant gleeful smile in my direction knocked the frame right off the desk to its final resting place shattered on the floor at Linds's feet. She looks down at it in shock and automatically starts bending to pick up the pieces while exclaiming 'sorry's' and trying to work out how it happened…maybe her bag had hit it, or she'd swung the folder in her hand as she turned *ok I am gonna ignore this stupidity…. Breathe deeply and ignore, ok I'm good….because she is doing what I wanted, she is picking it, she is smiling wistfully at the photo of the firm, and now it has moved and the one of her has fallen out. I hold my breath as she picks it up, turns it over and gasps, before turning it accusingly at Bobby, her eyes asking him the question her mouth won't voice…ok I get it I took over, stop swatting me idiot keyboard girl…. ok ok I'm gone*  
  
I watch her in shock as her face begins to become even more confused and her eyes silently question me.  
  
"What's this?" she asks, her voice a cross between annoyance and joy, the final outcome of that battle resting solely on my next comment.  
  
"It's a picture….of you" I reply * while I reach slowly for the CANDLE behind me, and begin to take aim, I mean really someone this stupid living past childhood is a bad sign for humanity. Luckily just as I reach the end of my swing he notices me and decides to continue*. "Its….well you…." I stutter slightly as a respond, I know the transparent guy can and will hurt me if I don't, but I kind of a little more terrified of the prospect of how Linds will react to what I am about to say. "Its nothing" *luckily Lindsay's eyes are downturned in despair as I respond to this, luckily she is so busy killing all the hope she had allowed to build she doesn't even see me as the CANDLE hits him square in the forehead and bounces conveniently off behind the couch*. Bobby's outcry of pain finally makes her raise her head and as I grab a rather hefty frame off the wall and make threatening motions with it he continues*  
  
"I took that at the party, after you blew me off. I was upset, mad maybe, but at that moment you looked so carefree, so beautiful….the exact way you never ever look when I'm near you. So I had to take it, and I've kept it there ever since, I guess to remind me of what I could have had".  
  
In front of him Lindsay's eyes were welling with tears and she seemed lost for words, something that had the situation not been so tense he probably would have noted it down for future reference.  
  
"Why is it still there?" she asks, and seeing the joy in her eyes following my last comment I gain the confidence to tell her, "Well sometimes after a fight with you, or after watching you in court, or sitting here all day watching you work outside I feel the need to remind myself of that Lindsay. The Lindsay that if I hadn't of stuffed it up years ago I could be going home to every night.  
  
"You still feel that way, you still want that?" she whispers to me *ok scratch TORTOISE, and replace it with 'thick as a post'*.  
  
I nod in response, any words I might try and form being lost in the lump of fear slowly collecting in my throat.  
  
She smiles at me then, that same beautiful carefree smile from the photo, that same face that I have secretly cherished for so long. "Me too" she whispers, "I turned away last year out of fear, fear it was just going to be 'a fun' thing, and out of confusion. Then you gave up, I thought I'd killed it."  
  
"You didn't" I whisper, walking to her and running my fingers lightly down her cheek, my confidence strengthened ten fold by the way she leans into them. "You haven't…..You never could" I whisper as I pull her closer and hold her against me as if trying to use a year of lost time in one simple beautiful moment. Slowly I pull away and look at her, I watch as tears of joy stream down her face and she once again pulls me closer. As if pulled by fate *pushed by the giant hand of an omnipotent being…..potaito, potato* my face inches closer to hers, our lips finding each other in a kiss that promises me every single thing I have spent the past year dreaming of. A kiss that tells me she is mine, and I am the luckiest man alive. I want to pull back and thank the transparent man, I want too…. No I don't. Then as she deepens the kiss and pulls me closer to her I forget all about him and simply concentrate on…….  
  
*Ok I could take you further, I really could… but the idiot author has something about not wanting to give the fic a rating, and well anything after that… is I think what would be called a spoiler…..You know whatever you earthling people have dubbed it. So you'll get nothing from me about the beautiful wedding on a baseball field, nothing about that gorgeous little boy being born in court…. For those who noticed this I should point out in real life he wasn't a three month old, without an umbilical cord at birth…..Ok nothing, you'll get nothing. Anyway, I'm off now; just found some other stupid people I gotta go and teach a lesson in fate…. You may know them…. Ummm Mulder and Scully…now if I thought B&L were bad these two are hell on earth fatewise…ok so here I go, pop a few panadol and lets go make some shippers happy…. At least with these two I get to play with aliens and evil people. You earthlings should be glad we shared panadol with you…. I was more than willing to let you roll around and scream in pain, unfortunately that god guy was more emphatic…. Anyway so there you are, its done, I'm gone, just remember…. I love playing chess and humans make the best pawns…. a) You'll do whatever I say and b) there is so damn many of you it doesn't really matter if my bishop cuts off your head. *  
  
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Ok I am fully aware you now probably all think me insane, which really means I just proved something many of you already suspected. Anyway, I will now return to sleeping off New Years. Hope you all had a great time and hope the year to follow is everything you could hope for.  
  
Rose 


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